Identity: A Fresh Start

Shared from MY NEW BLOG: A LIFE CREATED

Identity: A Fresh Start

There are a lot of struggles when you go through a divorce, but a major blow is to your identity. You are no longer a spouse, and if you are female, there is a high chance that you will have to decide what to do about your name.

At first, I planned to keep mine--the married one. I, mean, my identity was very much wrapped up in it. I was a mom, a writer, and an employee. I had grown under that name. I blossomed. Most of my adult life existed under that label. But, after much consideration and about six months after the divorce, I decided to go back to my maiden name. I needed to embrace the truth that everything was different and therefore I was different.

It was so bizarre the first time someone called me Ms. Rhodes. I clearly remember thinking that familiar line, "Ms. Rhodes is my mom." But with this new name came a clean slate. A fresh start.
When you start fresh, you get to decide what your identity will become, because our identities are fluid. They are based on who we are now, and who we are aspiring to be. They are influenced by our past, but they are not our past. We do not have to remain the same individuals that previously existed. What we have lived through teaches us, and we have the opportunity to take those experiences and convert them into something fresh. Or, meh, we can remain the same. But, it up to us, because we are the ones to decide when to take action.

Everyone of us has the opportunity to start fresh in any given moment. We can stop the thing we are addicted to, we can start doing the thing we put off, we can learn about the thing we want to know, and we can decide to make a difference in the lives of others. It starts with deciding to do it. Then, with a little planning, much soul-searching, , and a ton of stick-to-it-ness, we can do the thing.
That is what I decided to do with my blog. I decided to start fresh. I posted for years (2008-2013) as AJ Frey. I did quite well. Not famous level, but I was part of a community. There were people who were very intrigued by my book, Iron Thirst.  After a while though, I found it too hard to keep showing up. I sat it down, and I put my focus and determination towards other things. (Capoeira, actually.) We can do this. Sometimes we realize there is another area of our lives that needs our focus, and our priorities shift. This happens for both positive and negative reasons. Maybe, we just need a fresh start.

When I decided to embark on this adventure, I felt that this journey needed its own blog under a new name since this whole thing is about building my new identity. (However, as you can tell, I'll share a few posts from the old blog from time to time.)

Next post, I will talk about my top 10 areas that need a bit of improvement. In the meantime, keep the conversation going below.

What are you missing in your life? What do you want to do better?
What bad habit are you ready to replace with a better one?
Who do you want to be?

****Be sure to follow my new blog. MY NEW BLOG: A LIFE CREATED ***

Hello, Stranger!

I have recently started up a new blog. Please swing by and follow me there!

www.ajrhodesblog.wordpress.com

I figured I would stop by over here and share the first post.

Hi, my name is AJ Rhodes

Allow me to introduce myself.  I'm a barely domesticated mom of two, holding down a full-time job, and a life that is a bit disjointed at the moment. I'm an addict of self-help books and am full of great ideas on how to improve other people's lives, but struggle with my own.

Now, I haven't always been a total mess. At various times in my life, I have had my shit together: checkbook balanced, dedicated exercise routine, time for friends and passions, a rockstar at work, a healthy eater, clean house, well-adjusted kids - all of it. I wrote blogs and books. I showed up to writing conferences. I practiced capoeria. I was the queen of How Does She Do It.

Then, about two years ago, my husband and I split up. We split up the belongings, the bills, the time with the kids -- everything. Damn near 50/50. It was the right decision, but often times, right doesn't mean easy. It is a unique experience to go from doing half the stuff 100% of the time to doing 100% of the stuff 100% of the time. There were things that I had to learn, and things I am STILL learning. Despite not being properly prepared to deal with it, things would pop  up and scream, "Um, well you have to deal with it--- so suck it up!"

It was like learning how to juggle all over again. I quickly realized that I had to put a few things down and just start with the basics. Kids, Work, and Home - those were the three things I needed to focus on. I had to put down writing, capoeira, exercise breaks, time with friends, etc. I was in survival mode.

Once I had my arms wrapped around that a bit more, then I needed to work on healing. I did this is a very private space. Alone.

I am now ready to move to the next chapter. To create a life that I love. One that includes the things that are important to me. I would love for you to join me. Maybe it will help you get to that next level, too. My goal is to share my struggles, my accomplishments, my writing, and my soul in the hopes of touching others who struggle with similar issues. In future posts, I plan to share books, music, articles, recipes, life hacks, inspiration, humorous stories, and most importantly, my truth.

Welcome to  A LIFE CREATED...

Level Up Blogfest

Thank you to Mithrel Wisdom and Geek Banter for hosting the Level Up Blogfest. This is a great idea for blogfest. I didn't know what I wanted to write at first, but I knew I wanted to play.

I decided to take a look at what the phrase means to a writer, and I found a fun analogy. Hope you enjoy.

 ***

When you first start writing, you are not sure how to play the game. You've picked up the controller (the pen) and know that something is pulling you towards it. You want to explore it, see how you do. You press forward and as you come to obstacles, you have to learn how to leap. Oh, you get snagged by that first one, but you stand up, dust off, and try again.

As you navigate through the game, you gain experience. You get points for writing daily, points for editing, points for reading. Those things that once seemed so hard before, now are just tiny obstacles. It starts to become more difficult. Now you aren't just going through simple motions, you are attacking missions-- first draft, query letter, second draft, synopsis, third draft, agent, forth draft, publisher, fifth draft, readers. Each level a new mission.

Somewhere along the way, you realize that you can't beat it alone. You begin to search for other people on the same journey. A band of souls trying to survive each of those levels--just like you. You have to go into the vast web and find them, building a team. Next mission, blogging.

http://shirtoid.com/14324/coins-2/

 

Once again, experience becomes a virtue. You start with just trying to first find that one reader, and soon you are excited about your next milestone. The first 10, the first 50, the first 100! You keep playing, gaining more knowledge, more skills, better gear. Tricking out your blog with gadgets and banners. Proud of all your accomplishments. All those points are adding up, and your momentum feels unstoppable after you step into your first blogfest, which feels like a room full of treasure. 

You were unstoppable, but something shifts. You hit sluggish parts of the writing. You feel you have been stuck on one part for far too long. You consider giving up the game. Walking away from all of your work, away from all of your hours of dedication, away from what you once couldn't imagine being away from.

Should you put down the pen?

No. You don't. You keep trying. You may fall down into the same pit, over and over again. But you keep pressing, "play again." You push and push and you break through. You level up.
   
Image from anarchycamp.tumblr.com

Just One Reason I Buy Art

 I am a firm believer in Karma. It's one thing, spiritually, that I have held on to no matter which book I was reading. It's a nice way for me to gut check throughout the day. Always asking, should I or shouldn't I? How would I feel if the situation were reversed? Empathy.

Photo property of LiciaJo Fotos

For that reason, I buy art. I try my best. I pick up random paintings that I need on my journey, I subscribe to music channels, I purchase books, my internet-based TV is legal, I am a member of NPR, and I pay for the songs that I listen to more than 7 times (with intent). I try my best.

I can't really call myself an artist. I've sold one photograph in my non-existant career as a creative individual. Everything I do is handed over to those who will appreciate it or not. I free balloons into the air, hoping one will catch a bit of wind and be carried further than my view. I love it. I do it, because I love it. When I bring a smile to a friend, when I make a new one, or when a stranger across the pond takes the time to say, "Cool!"--  my day is made.

But, I understand the desire to one day be dedicated to art. To live and breathe words, music, and images that expand the knowledge or view of a collective culture.To maybe even collect and connect cultures. A shared appreciation. To be able to call myself an artist in some form or another. This is why when given the chance, I buy art.

There are ways out there to listen, watch, and enjoy music and other art forms for free, and using these methods to explore and navigate through the vast amounts of material out there is needed. But knowing the difference between exploring versus taking advantage is key. Once I've decided I need that piece of art, I make the transition and money exchanges hands.

Music, specifically. I am enjoying writing about music. I am exploring songs out there in the never-ending internet jukebox. Each song that I've written about, I've made sure to download. During karma gut checks that is what I feel is right. And if I am recommending music to others, I should own what I say others should try. I also hope that others will appreciate songs and add it to their collection, while also helping add to the growth of the artist that created it.

I am not going to tell others to buy what I suggest, but I will mention my thought process in hopes of a gentle nudge towards a shared viewpoint. Many of you out there that read my blog also create. You also want to grow into an artist appreciated by a collective culture. You also want to be appreciated for your efforts. Do you buy other people's art?  When you do, do you feel more connected to the person that created it?What is your philosophy on buying art?

Pick and Pull: Recycling for a New Story

Photo from http://www.motiont.com/carfinder/Resources/CheapAutoParts.aspx

Back in 2010, I talked about a story that started off as a project that I loved but was yet terrified of trying to write, and later was sent to the Scrap Pile. I couldn't pull the story together. As much as I love those characters, I just could not make that story work. In the above mentioned post, I said that I was sending it the scrap pile. "I will leave it in tact like a car in the junkyard to be sold for parts when needed. Who knows, maybe Jared and Caitlin will find happiness in another story that is more my style. They deserve it after all I’ve put them through."

Well, guess what. Exactly what I said would happen, happened. They are no longer Jared and Caitlin, and are now Amanda and Nate. Her backstory is almost exactly the same. His has changed a great deal. The deep connection between them is the same, well, actually stronger. They are no longer facing the end of the world, but were brought together by a wish that could mean death for one of them. But someone is pulling the strings and bringing these two together.

The stakes are high, the love is deep, and the characters are full of dimension. I am currently calling the story The Wish, but that will probably change. It's already changed once from Local Lore, I had picked that name, because of it's connection to Brazilian folklore. I felt the name was too weak, and didn't connect the reader to the story properly.

I say all this to say--it can happen. Those discarded darlings can be revived. It takes time. I had to step away from the project for two years, discover a new culture, and experience life from a new perspective.

I cannot use all of the 10K words that I dedicated to Touch of Light, but I have found a home for a love story that needed proper attention. Maybe you have a few stories in the scrap pile that feel abandoned. Sometimes that is where they stay. But, sometimes, they will see the light again. We just have to give them time to breathe.


Have you ever saved a story from the scrap pile? Do you still miss some of your discarded darlings? Do you try to revive them, or do you accept their new home in the junkyard? 

WSW: Getting to Know Your Characters

 

I'm starting a new story. The characters and I are still in that honeymoon phase, where we still love each other, enjoy spending time together, and are really just getting to know one another. I sat down on Saturday and interviewed the love interest. He has been very reserved. Most of my male characters are not as open about their feelings. We started simple, such as what type of music do you like? After learning his style, it opened the door to the why, the bigger backstories that make him who he is and will help me write from his point of view.

The female was much easier. It was her personality that even brought me to the story. Sure, there are details that I need to flesh out, but I can clearly see her motives, logic, and patterns of speech.

So for today's Whatcha Say Wednesday, I'd love to know how you get to know your characters. Do you wait for them to speak to you or do you break out interrogation tactics? Is it a quick flash, possibly that even made you want to write the story?

Do you have a set method of quizzing your characters or is each one unique in how you meet?  Do you wait for inspiration, or do you put them in their costumes and settings, guiding them through the path?

Better yet, is this something that comes natural for you, or is this an area where you struggle?

Whatcha Say Wednesdays are for you. It's a chance to voice your opinion, share your knowledge, and interact with one another. Answer what speaks to you, and ignore the rest. But do tell—I’m quite curious. 

A Lesson from Pilot Episodes

Since I gave up on regular cable and just pretty much use Netflix and Hulu, I have developed a strange addiction. I love watching pilot episodes of television series. This past week,  I watched the pilot of West Wing, Ally McBeal,  and The Following. It fascinates me how they set up an entire series, introduce characters, and fill you in on backstory, all while still being interesting enough to keep you intrigued for that episode and hooked to come back for the next.

As writers, we can learn a thing or two from a pilot on how to set up our own stories. We can use the examples they provide to show not tell, provide backstory sparingly, introduce characters dramatically, and entice the readers to keep on reading. I will examine the pilots of the three series that I mentioned to show you what I learned from them.

 
West Wing is an excellent example in how to bring in your actors. It set up the characters by making them have a grand entrance. You get a strong understanding of each character by their actions, dialogue, and the predicaments in which they land.We should strive for this in our characters.

The action was front and center. The characters were always moving or involved in quick, witty dialogue. There is not a bit of drag. Every inch of that script is used to tell show the story, move it forward, build drama, or for character development. Not one scene superfluous.


 
Ally McBeal is on the opposite side of the spectrum. Its opening episode was also filled with lessons that a writer can learn, but more along the line of what not to do.   It was a poorly done pilot, and if I didn't already know the series--there would have been no way that I would have come back for more.

What's worse--I was showing the episode to a friend who had never seen Ally McBeal. I raved about the show, but truth be told -- I had never seen the pilot. I came into the series, originally, around season two. During watching the episode, I found myself continuing to say things like it gets better, it's not always filled with so many flashbacks, and just keep watching, I swear.  If a book started this way, I would shut it and not return--unless I had received those same pleadings from a fan who had already read the whole thing.

New writers don't get this luxury with an agent or publisher. You have the first five pages to grab someone, buckle them in, and pull them into the book. They don't care about the spectacular scene on page 56, not if they never made it to page 3. 

It consisted of too much back story, too much inside-the-head commentary, and a full fledged, glitter-free pity party. Most of the jokes and scenes were just for the cheap laugh. There was not a consistent structure, the characters contradicted themselves, and too many scenes of Ally just walking down a sidewalk thinking.


The Following overall was a wonderful first episode. It let you know early on what type of series you were watching, started with drama and action, slipped in back story as needed, showed you the flawed characters, and ended the episode with a cliffhanger to pull you back the very next week.


If we view the first ten pages or so of our novels as the pilot episode, then we should try to accomplish what The Following has accomplished. I was engrossed from the moment the show started, and was covered in chill bumps when it was over. Had there been a second episode already in existence, I would have been watching it. Translate that into a novel. If you can invoke excitement and fear in your readers and have them craving more, then you have won. You will create your own following.

A lot of weight is put on the pilot episode.  It is make or break. The show will not see a regular viewing audience if it does not test well among sample audiences or TV executives. It has to introduce the characters, show why you should care for them, communicate what type of show it will be, and above all else, entertain and hook the audience. For the writer, we must accomplish this in the span of five to ten pages. Take some time to watch a few pilot episodes of television series. Make notes of what works and what doesn't. Never stop learning how to be a better writer. 

What are some of your favorite television shows? Did you start with the pilot episode, or did you come into the series later? Do you have a favorite pilot that demonstrates how to hook an audience?

Freestyle Friday: Meditation

 

On Tuesday, I wrote about using mediation in your writing.  I wanted to touch on the subject once more. Meditation can be a way to find stillness in this hectic world, and it is beneficial to your overall wellness. Though meditation requires nothing other than you and the focus on your breath, in the beginning it can be difficult. Below you will find a few tools to help with meditation.

“I said to my soul, be still and wait without hope, for hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love, for love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith, but the faith and the love are all in the waiting. Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought: So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.”
― T.S. Eliot

“Quiet the mind, and the soul will speak.”
― Ma Jaya Sati Bhagavati, The 11 Karmic Spaces: Choosing Freedom from the Patterns That Bind You  

“Meditation is the dissolution of thoughts in Eternal awareness or Pure consciousness without objectification, knowing without thinking, merging finitude in infinity.”
― Voltaire 

Books

Clicking on the bookcovers will take you to the Amazon pages where you can read the opening pages.

 CDs and MP3s - Guided Meditations

Guided meditation makes it a bit easy to concentrate only only the task at hand.  It helps you recognize when your brain is jumping the track.Clicking on the images will take you to Amazon or SoundsTrue.

Videos

No need to spend money. There are many guided mediation videos available on Youtube. They range from 5 minutes to over an hour, and include many different types of focus such as healing, relaxation, or self-confidence. Here are a few sample youtube videos that provide guided meditation. 

New to mediation--start small. Give yourself 5 minutes to get in touch with your imagination. 


This is a 10 minute guided mediation to help with self-confidence.


 
A 10 minute guided mediation for deep relaxation.

Pandora Stations

Already versed in mediation. Sometimes just adding a bit of music helps. Here are a few Pandora stations that I have used for meditation. Just enter any of the following into www.pandora.com under "New Station".

 

 

Video Games

Yes, they even have video games to assist with mediation. Deepak Chopra's Leela is an interactive meditative video game available for the Wii and Kinect game consoles. Below is a trailer.